If only I could sing

It is tradition in our family that we rotate through the kids (my siblings) and every year for my father's birthday we share a memory, we share the gifts he left us with. This year it is my turn. I thought I would share what I posted on my family blog.


I have been thinking about this post for a very long time . . . four years to be exact. As the youngest of four children it is my turn to commemorate my father on what would be his 60th Birthday. I wish I could add some photo's but none capture him right. So I will try to paint it with my words exactly what I want you to see.

I was six or seven years old , Mom and I were home together. I remember the gold velvety set of chairs in the very clean living room. Dad was up all night at the hospital and came home on his lunch break for a much needed nap. I thus entertained my self in our split level 70's basement. Popcorn ceilings that cornered to plastered white textured covering for the top 1/3 portion of the wall. Some fabulous dark wood paneling covered the remaining wall that carried your eye down to the multi colored carpet. Of all colors to mix (on purpose) the owner's choose the brown/red/orange/black carpet . . .Do you remember how us kids called it the throw up carpet.

It is in this creative sparking atmosphere my youthful drama began. I preceded to meander and hum my favorite songs. As I worked from the rocking horse, to the book self still singing. I was my own back up, my own echo, I was a one girl choir. As time went on the volume increased. Before no time I was Dancing and bolting out any and every song I knew. I really only needed to know a percentage of the actual lyrics, as I could figure out new rhyming patterns and words.

Just at the climax of my bizarre musical I met my father coming down from the top floor as I was dancing up from the basement. At this moment (not a moment earlier) I connected the dots that my dad was trying to nap, and I was screaming appalling half lyrics to tone deaf rhythms.

I was startled and braced myself for the appropriate scowl and lecture. I was even more startled by his reaction. One in which I ponder on often. I am tearing up as I vividly can see his face it was more youthful, with his big ears, clean shaven and a huge smile. He tenderly says, "I really enjoyed your singing, Thank you". He gets to the living room, I am still a few steps down in the basement, and looks back at me. To this day I don't know if it ever registered what he said next, I was absorbing the first compliment. I do know it was an uplifting and funny compliment at my grotesque attempt at being a movie star.

As all of you know it is not shocking that Dad would compliment or find the good in being kept awake. It is not that this was a rare glimpse into his heart. Dad was a caring person that his actions were driven from his heart. The amazing thing is that he read my inner heart, my deepest secret wants and desires and needs. I loved to sing, as bad as i was I sooo enjoyed singing. In that minute experience from 23 years ago my father told me; he loved me, loved me more then him napping, loved me enough to hear my off tune screeching and have it be music to his ears. Dad told me with out words "I was listening and it was great seeing my child be herself that I didn't, couldn't interrupt her". He loved my wacky creative chaos, he loved my shortcomings.

This event is neatly packaged and placed in the back of my mind. I have wandered to it thousands of times, running through the dialog, the story. Every time I think upon it I feel like a better person, I feel more able, I feel empowered and loved. Dad just as easily could have yelled form upstairs to quiet down, and I would not have thought about it again. Yet he gave me the time and space to express my inner soul (if you will). As rough and off tune as it was he found such beauty in my creation of mix matched rock 'n roll songs jumping from chorus to chorus of different songs.

Now as I am a mother and have children inventing them selves I grow to appreciate it even more. When Jeddy yells to me "Mommy, look at me" with all the excitement he can muster as he hangs of the edge of a slide backwards with one foot kicking up and his tongue out. I try to give that same encompassing smile I received and say great work Big guy, as I run to catch him before he falls. When Madisen brings me cards she has scripted, "Mom I love you, I am glad god made one of you. I do not want 2 of you or 3 of you , I am happy with one of you". I give her a big tear filled hug. I did not correct her backwards g's, I did not ask "what would be wrong with having 2 of me, am i that bad?"I know she is coming up with her own words to tell me how much she cares, she does not want hallmark to do the work for her. As Benson races the big kids up the stairs and tip toes to get 'his' toothbrush (which is usually Madisen's) and shows us he understands . .. "kids go get your teeth brushed". I give him a proud wink, He knows how to obey.

I am grateful for the awareness that I now carry to enjoy the molding of my kids. I am grateful for the example he was. I am grateful for his humor that made so many terrible events tolerable. I am grateful that he made things that were important to me, important to him. Hopefully I can encourage my children to sing out of tune, to make up lyrics they forget, to apply for grad school, or what ever it is, to be who they are . . .because just as my Father loved me, I love them.

Happy Birthday Dad, I miss you.

Love,

your atilla the hun

Famous Encounters

I just read a blog from my buddy Lynn, and I think this is a great subject. Absolutely no point involved, just a little game I thought would be fun for my group of blogging friends that want to play. We have all met our share of famous people. And when we do we usually get all excited and tell everyone we know for the next few days and then we forget about it. Well, I am going to go back and remember all the ones I can remember. I really hope you leave a story or 2 in either your blog or as a comment to my blog.

Here goes.

1989. San Francisco Bay Area Earthquake. Earlier in the day, my buddy Quiant Myers introduced me to a former pro bowl Defensive End for the SF 49er's, named Pierce Holt. After the earthquake, I was skateboarding home from Quiants and at the ice cream parlor I saw Pierce. I stopped to talk to him, and he tried to ride my skateboard, almost falling down. So I almost ruined his career, luckily he caught his balance and gave me a ride home in his truck. Pretty cool as a 13 year old.

1994. Instead of Senior Ball, my friends and I decided to go to Disneyland. We stayed at the same hotel that the Oakland A's were staying in. Rickey Henderson, the all time greatest leadoff hitter in baseball, sat down next to me in the lobby and had a drink. I never talked to him but after he finished the drink, I took the glass and I am pretty sure it is still in a box in my parents attic. Some day I will pull it out and show the grandkids. Another story from that trip. I was in the elevator with my buddy Bryan, and 2 A's players were in there. One of them farted, and tried to blame the other one. It was pretty funny. Made me glad that when I grew up I could still be kind of a dork.

1997 or 98. I was working as a bus boy in Provo Utah for Los Hermanos Mexican Restaurant. In walked Michael Stipe, lead singer for R.E.M. I was a big fan of REM, so I recognized him instantly, as I figured everyone else would. So turns out he wasn't as big in Utah as California, and I was the only one who recognized him. I went and got his autograph. I said, um, your Michael Stipe right. He said yes. I asked, what are you doing in Provo, Utah. He said he was visiting his grandma. That was it. Seemed like kind of a shy,quiet guy.

Also in this time period, Steve Young at same restaurant. My good friend Caroline King served him, and she was much cooler than I would have been.



2006. This is my biggest celebrity sighting. I was in the Las Vegas Airport, and there was some buzz about a movie being shot at the end of the terminal. So I go check it out and lo and behold the best looking man on the planet, Brad Pitt. He was about 6 feet away and he was this little petite man. I was really surprised, he had the frame of a woman. Like a waif model. Anyway, I am completely comfortable in my heterosexuality to say he is one hot man. I say that because I remember being boggled as a youngster about how a girl can tell if a guy was good looking. Girls it is easy, but guys just look like guys. He was the first guy that I saw that I could tell what girls meant, when they thought a guy was good looking. I say that in the straightest way possible, really. I don't know if anyone out there is starting to wonder about me, but I am secure enough to say it. I remember thinking, if I looked like that guy, I know girls would think I was hot. Plain and simple. Thanks Brad.

This was the scene I saw, at the end he walks right towards me

I also met a Superbowl winning QB of the Redskins, Mark Rypien, at an amusement park in Virginia. I met some girl in Jumanji, and guy from Robin Hood, Men in Tights on my mission. Now that I think about it, my celebrity sightings are not super impressive. But it was fun remembering. If you read this, Tag, your it, Lets hear yours.

Family Pic's

So we decided to get some pictures as a family. Just so happened it was after a long day for Benson, because he was not very cooperative. We did get a few good ones, thanks to a great couple of photographers. Here are our beautiful kids, their beautiful mom and their lucky dad.

Easter thoughts

I am feeling pretty stoked right now. I have been just thinking about how good life is. It is a good thing to be grateful, and an experience with the kids tonight made me want to record it. We had a great Easter Sunday. We got some goodies from the Easter bunny, went to church, listened to a great musical presentation by the ward choir. I had a wonderful lesson with my 15 year old Sunday school class. They make me stoked. Such great kids and have such a great grasp of what life is all about. They each shared their favorite scripture that is related to Easter. Wasn't like it could be with some kids. No pulling teeth(intentional pun). Every single one of them just freely shared why they are grateful for The Savior Jesus Christ. I feel their strength in their testimony. No way I was that solid at their age. It makes me think we have a bright future ahead.
We had a great salmon dinner with Kim's sister and family. Wonderful meal and great company. I love having them so close. It means alot to our family. Then I called my grandma who just might be one of the most grateful and giving people I know. I always am in a better mood after talking to her. It doesn't hurt that she is a typical grandma and thinks her grandson can do no wrong. I really want to be that way after I talk to her. I think she knows that, which is why she is so encouraging. She wants the best for her family is wise enough to know the best way to motivate others is with positive reinforcement. What a great lady.

We then went to the Bakers for a baby blessing. They are some friends in the ward. Rob is one of my surfing buddies. We got to just get to know some of their friends and family better. Afterward we came home, got the kids all ready for bed and then just before prayer I said that we have alot to be thankful for, maybe we should each mention. So Jeddy busts out in the most sincere way that he is really thankful for mom and dad getting him a nice Easter shirt to wear to church and that he was thankful he had a mom and dad. I expected something like 'thankful for my candy' and the same from Madisen. They spent the next several minutes just going back and forth on things they were really thankful for. Mostly family, but Madisen also threw in that she was thankful that Jesus sacrificed so we could live again. It was just one of those moments where I realized that life just doesn't get any better than that. I feel so very fortunate.

This probably has something to do with a surf session my other surfing buddy and neighbor Dan-o and I had on Saturday. It was just the best one ever. We saw 4 dolphins, the sky was perfect blue, the view of Tamarack's coast line was picture perfect and we just kept catching wave after wave. Dan-o especially, he's both a generous and a smart surfer and he catches a ton of waves. But I caught my fair share too. More than ever. And more good long rides than ever. Waves weren't real big, but they were very nicely shaped, and very ride able. It was just the best session I have had. Dan-o and I were still buzzing about it later that day, and I think I am still buzzing about it.

I am just telling my wife I can never do a short blog. This was meant to be one believe it or not. But the point is, while I was surfing, I just felt grateful to be living life. I think surfers call it 'stoked'. And I think that must have rubbed off to my kids or something, cuz they were just so 'stoked' also. I heard this quote that seems true"Gratitude leads to joy and happiness, just as joy and happiness lead to gratitude and contentment". A very wise thought and I will end on that.

We found perfection!

Welcome to it, you'll love it. The locals call it Seagrove and Powerhouse Park. It's in Del Mar. I prefer perfect. Seagrove Park has a great kids playground, with sand box, bucket swings and regular swings. Adjacent to it sits Powerhouse park, with its rocky cliffs and smooth beaches lined with a well groomed putting green lawn. Not least are the amenities, clean bathroom, community center trails for scooter races and great tasting sand- so far this is Benson's favorite sand.

A couple weeks ago we went exploring for something new to do in town. We got lost and ended up here. And to think we were going to get some books at Borders. I am glad we got lost. We rode scooter around the sidewalks, petted all the friendly dogs, played at the play ground that overlooks the beach, ran races on the lawn, rolled down the sand dunes, strolled on the beach and the walk way, enjoyed snacks at the pavilion, and Jeddy's favorite was the grand view of the coaster train. After Benson was done 'snacking' on the sand and the kids had filled their pockets and hair with sand we headed for Swami's cafe to end the adventure perfectly with fresh fruit smoothies.

A friend of mine (she is a professional blogger) has a regular post 'Fabulous item of the week'. this is my attempt at that. However I don't post that frequently and do not have that many exciting things to pass on to my readers, so this is My Fabulous item of the year. And I hope to enjoy it for many many years to come. If this feels like an advertisement, it is sort of. We love visitors. Ben's sister Caroline and her husband Mark were just in town and we always feel like we are on vacation when people visit. So if your interested in a day/week/ afternoon like this come visit, there is always room at the Carlsbad five Inn.

Crazy Hair Day

It is crazy hair day at Madisen's Elementary school. With the skills and talents of her Aunt Caroline she participated in High Fashion.

I miss The Dogg

No this is not about my old schnauzer, Marty, though he will always be my favorite pet no matter what. I seriously think that if I emulated Marty I would be in the Celestial Kingdom with room to spare. But that post will have to be another day. I am referring to another Dogg, BJ Chestnut. He was my best friend since high school, and he died about 3 and half years ago. I miss him everyday. That said, I feel like the luckiest guy to have known him. Every so often I get on the computer and look things up that remind me of him. Usually music, but also sports and well, music. He loved music. It was his passion. So I want to blog about BJ and music for a bit.

He and I had the same tastes in music for the most part .Whenever I got a tip from BJ about a band, I could always count on it being someone I would love. It is kind of like people who are bad dressers so they have other people pick out their clothes. Maybe I'm a bad dresser (t-shirt, shorts and flip flops is all i ever wear if i can), but that is beside the point. I think I have good taste in music, but BJ had great taste in music and when he found it, he let me know, and I would be hooked. I dont always have the time to find new artists, so BJ found them and let me in. ....................small tangent, Jeddy just woke up and wanted water. He is so cute. I love my kids. I'm so lucky...........It was usually really emotionally powerful stuff that he was into. Coldplay, Dashboard Confessional, Jeff Buckley, to name a few. But I always think of him when I hear certain songs, especially those artists. One in particular is Jeff Buckley's 'Hallelujah'. Here is a link if you havent heard it.

http://www.dailymotion.com/relevance/search/jeff%2Bbuckley

I also find some physical resemblance to BJ, though no resemblance on Jeff's voice. BJ was a great looking guy but kind of tone retarded when he sang. This is kind of how it is in sports. Most great coaches were just average players. The reverse can also be true. They know how the game is supposed to be played though so they are amazing at seeing talent and putting it to work, they just can't do it themselves. BJ knew he couldn't sing. But he absolutely envied those that could. I can't sing either, so he felt comfortable singing around me. And I have to say, one of us always really enjoyed it. Him.

Well, this week I was flipping through the tv and saw on American Idol that one of the finalists was singing this song, Hallelujah. It made me think of BJ. I only caught the end of it and was unimpressed. But even Simon said it was great so I figured I should look it up and see how he was. Well, I just youtubed it and found it. He did do a nice job. Then for about an hour(if you are wondering where I get all this time, Kim is on a ladies weekend in San Diego with her sisters and mom.) I watched videos of Jeff Buckley, just thinking of The Dogg, and wondering if he and Jeff are hanging out(Jeff Buckley's life and career were cut short. He drowned back in 1997). If you know BJ, you know he had kind of a lot of man crushes so he is probably hanging out with him or Elvis. He is probably looking forward to seeing that dude from EFY who had the great teeth. He loved that guy. Now, don't be confused, BJ was completely hetero, but I guess he just had enough confidence to let the rest of us know when he thought a guy was good looking. I don't know if any of us were real comfortable with that, but it was always a nice time making fun of him for it.

Anyway, back to the point. I was watching Jeff Buckley videos and checked out BJ's original blog site he created back before I even knew what a blog was. I read some posts and it made me want to get in touch with someone he and I were friends with. I sent her an email. She emailed back. I hope if she reads this post that she knows BJ is probably looking out for her up there. Then I decided to check the blog of another friend who left a comment on BJ's old blog. I went to her blog and it blew me away. She had just written a post about the very same performance on American Idol that made me think of BJ in the first place.

So here I am. Full circle. I've got the music on and I can't go to bed until I let you know some of what makes me miss The Nutter every day. This is one of those blogs that are more therapeutic than anything else. I miss him. I really think we are supposed to love deeply those around us in this life. I have never had a friend who loved deeper everyone they knew. He wasn't selective. He may not have gotten along with everyone all of the time, like when he punched me really hard while we were driving to a wedding. Almost crashed. Or when he and Jake dragged me out of our house at 1 am in the freezing cold winter Utah weather, trying to take my clothes off along the way out. There was also the time that he tried to hook up with my wife, but at least that was before we were dating. I have to admit, even the things that drove me nuts about BJ, I miss. He was the best. I don't really want to see him any time soon, maybe 70 years or something. I just hope when I do, he will be able to break away from Jeff so we can hang out. That's all for now. Love ya Dogg.